My Pink Shoelace

… I was sick … fever and flu … though the nurse gave me meds to take but that didn’t alleviate whatever it was am feeling. My nose was stuffy, my throat hurts when I talk, am always on a spin … and my head hurts. I told you about it but you just laughed at me … I even said you can touch me if you’re in doubt but you laughed it off … alright … whatever you say.  I thought you’d believe me but obviously you didn’t, the very last person I expected to laugh on my face did the unforgettable and the unexpected. Now life is truly full of surprises and I certainly got my own dose. Ouch!! That hurts … when all these time I thought you cared, but eventually you didn’t. When I thought you’d understand and you won’t doubt what am gonna say or what I feel but I was damn so wrong. Lesson learned. And I can safely say you’re just like everyone else … another disappointment.  

    Girl meets Boy. Boy asks Girl out. Girl accepts. Boy asks Girl out again. Girl accepts again. Girl asks Boy out. Boy accepts. So, they start going out regularly. And everybody is happy. This goes on for a very long time. But Boy is mum. He keeps his cards close to his chest. And Girl imagines boy is waiting for the right moment.

    In the meantime, Girl starts building her hopes. And everyday, her heart beats a little bit faster in anticipation of the future. One day, unable to endure the unknown, she gathers the courage to ask Boy about the future. Boy is stunned. Boy declares he feels only friendship for her. Girl is crushed. What were all those months and years about?  

    Indeed, why do men and women go out with each other for prolonged periods of time with neither direction nor commitment? Well, although or two may be waiting for the right moment, the majority are simply not ready for direction of commitment so they cruise along in a safe, enjoyable and commitment-free relationship until the bubble bursts.

     Almost always, it is the woman who gets hurt because it is usually the women who make the most emotional investment in any relationship. And while men can go out with women and enjoy their company for prolonged period of time with little emotional attachment, women are not as emotionally detached and indifferent.

      I think that men and women could avoid so much pain in their lives if they treat each other with greater decency. Most of the time, we know when one is falling in love with the other and whether or not these feelings can be reciprocated. I have always believed that it is no sin to spend one’s time with someone who is also enjoying our company. But it is a great sin to continue to spend time with someone we know fully well is falling in love with us or is already in love with us when we know we can never see this person in the same light.

     We may cherish this person’s company. But we cannot continue to spend time with this person. We cannot build hopes of someone we know we can never fall for and or grow to love in the same manner. Decency dictates that we must sever the friendship to save the other, greater pain in the future.

     Why do men and women go out with each other for prolonged periods of time without direction and commitment? Because it is convenient. And it’s like having your cake and eating it too. It provides intimacy without commitment. Each can walk out anytime with little fuss and guilt. Because when no words are said and no feelings are declared, the relationship is not deemed binding although more descent human beings would beg to disagree.

     I think that these kinds of relationship can serve their own purpose at a particular point in time but only when both parties are fully aware of where they stand. After all, when there are no expectations of each other, there is a little cause of pain. But we don’t live in a perfect world where emotions can be programmed. Even spinsters can fall in love on mad, moonlit nights.

-          I posted this on the other site … but can’t help posting it here too … in my private thought space … this post … whoever created this in the first place perfectly shows the “cowardice” of men when it comes to emotional attachment. The very reason why I tread on tip toes when it comes to relationships and who knows what else. Somehow its easier if at the onset both parties knew it’d only be platonic till the end … when expectations are set from the beginning, friends nothing more nothing less. True to what the post says … its almost always the girl at the losing end. Why? Coz as much as we wanna  detach ourselves emotionally we can’t for long … eventually we’re bound to invest in feelings unsure of to be reciprocated and that’s what really sucks.

-          Building up hopes … dreaming of what the future might bring … rationalizing that the guy is just waiting for the right time when the truth is it never cross his mind. Maybe it did at one point but then he changed his mind for reasons only him knows.  When you both knew there’s more to it than what meets the eye … when you both knew there’s more to it than the friendship you’ve shared but then again the guy never has the guts to take the initiative and let the relationship move forward.

-          Here I go again … ranting? Nah … its just another day … and there are no calls … I’ll be sleeping in a bit so I can get to work, which has by the way become suffocating … when the only reason I have for going to work is to see Creepy One giddy … to tell Wafa this and that … to tell he who must not be named to just freakin shut up … to stop telling me … am aggressive otherwise the teasing and the issue wouldn’t have cropped up … to just shove it in his face that he has no f^cking right to say the things he just said coz he doesn’t even know me to begin with …

-          Am pissed? Hell yeah … seating beside him yesterday brought out the bitch in me … he was irritating, judgmental, annoying and just abnormal … hate him …

-          This should be on another post but heck I can’t seem to stop typing.

Am writing this from work … low call volume due to the holidays in the US . Was looking for creeepy one coz TL just asked us to log off and go team meeting.

Since I was unable to locate him, I asked her the person sitting closest to me where he is. If I could paint or if it was in my capacity to capture the look on her face that would have been a masterpiece.I dunno, she was looking at me when I approached her but the moment I voiced out my question she looked down … dunno where she’s looking at … but she did answer my question while eyes were so intent on her screen and she was smiling.

Whew! Definitely a change … nyahahah … and I thought it was only creeeepy one thats affected … well its good to know that its not just my friend thats affected by the “virus”. I’ve come to accept the fact that he’s gonna continue what he has started with her and I think its only fair given that the girl is expecting it. Just glad to know that with the other one … they’re becoming “platatonic” waheheh … I know its platonic but thats what he used when describing us …

So for the moment I can safely say am happy for him and for the other girl … and yeah I’ll support him with her … and maybe just maybe I’ll be comfortable with her. Am crossing my fingers hoping or shall I say wishing for the best.

Blessed be …