My Pink Shoelace

Myspace Graphics at WishAFriend.com

I’ve been ranting on and on about the misery that’s eating me, I can’t help it I just can’t seem to stop. Am to work now, I’d still space out every now and then. I still cried every night before I go to sleep, I keep playing A Song For Mama over and over. I plainly haven’t moved on and though am going through the motions, I go to work, I do my own laundry now, I prepare my own food now but its like a pre programmed tasks a newly fueled automaton performs. People asked me how I am, God, if they could just stop. I know they mean well but they’re not helping at all. It’s the toughest question ever asked to me and I have no idea where to even being in answering it. Its like only those who really care can ask me that, but please don’t ask if its just for the sake of asking. Some ask what they can do the help, the answer is simple, nothing, they can’t bring back the dead. I’ve sunk deeper than I ever was in my own web of loneliness and misery and no one can seem to pull me out, damn I can’t even pull myself out. Friends used to say am strong, yeah so strong cause they’ve never seen me cry, they know I cried cause of my eyes and all that but actual tears falling from eyes, they haven’t seen that. They’ll never see that. *sigh* not only am I miserable for what I lost but being in the company of my good for nothing uncle is close to saying life for me right now is just plain hellish. He gets drunk when am not around, invites his drinking buddies home and who knows what else. Am miserable, am alone, am scared, am lost and I have no idea what to do about it.

Over at the other site, Wafa posted this … after waking up from a restless sleep reading what she’s written made me cry.  Here it goes …

 ” Wena has always appeared delicate and childish.  She giggles and laughs at the silliest things and like me, decision making is often painstaking.  I think we should both get a book on how to be decisive but then again we wouldn’t be able to decide which book it would be.  Behind the facade of merriment though is a deep sadness and pain that have just become more obvious to everyone recently.  What’s not so obvious is the amount of courage and strength she has.  The past few days made me realize that her fortitude is greater than most people.

I don’t like sad events and tear jerking moments so as much as possible I steer clear of that with her. I try to make her smile and laugh as much as I could if only for a moment.  I see no sense in talking about it since talking makes you remember and remembering hurts like hell.  I don’t talk to her about it and knowing her, she wouldn’t want any unsolicited probing.  So this is my way of letting her know that she’s one of the bravest persons I know. I’m proud of how she’s grown in a matter of days, proud of how she’s taking care of herself and that I’m always here even if I have dada.

Life has a way of bringing out the divine power of the human spirit so that we can carry on during times of great pain and loss.  It is that spine that we never thought we got.  Like a reservoir of untapped energy just waiting for the time when our regular everyday energy fails us.  At least we have time as our ally, time heals all wounds till it will no longer hurt.

Wena there are a number of us who care and love you, you won’t be alone ever!”

Someone asked me how I am … I didn’t know what to say. This is the very question which would procur so many emotions I can barely count and can barely name … to say am okay is a lie but I do say it for the heck of answering the question and to set the person asking at ease, am broken … I was unhappy before … now I know a part of me is dying.

I guess they’ll never understand, they havent lost the center of their universe, the same way I’ve lost mine.

they say misery loves company

we could start a company

and make misery

frustrated incorporated

i know just what you need

i might just have the thing

i know what you'd pay to see

put me outta my misery

i'd do it for you, would ya do it for me?

we will always be busy

making misery

we could build a factory

and make misery

we'll create the cure

we made the disease

frustrated incorporated

i know just what you need

i might just have the thing

i know what you'd pay to feel

put me outta my misery

all you suicide kings

and you drama queens

forever after happliy

making misery

did you satisfy your greed?

get what you need?

was it only envy, so empty

frustrated incorporated (x4)

I wanna be that girl, but the question is have I brighten anyone’s day? Or have I caused them misery?

I went to the office last night around 11pm to see A as I have to give somethings and to check on the status of my LOA, if its paid or not. We talked a bit, I saw Eds too which reminds me that he still owe me a hundred bucks, I talked to Aisat, always busy as ever, to D who doesn’t know what the process is for my LOA and all that . *sigh* Was s’pose to go home when Kathy asked me to grab a chair and stay a bit while we make “chikka”, just so I’ll remain in the office she said … Weng, you gotta stay I have chikka … someone likes you in the account.

Intrigued (who wouldn’t be?) I asked, consumer, commercial or tr? She laughed and said none of the above. Waaaaaaaaaaa so I said, so service master? She laughed again. I said give me a clue, and so the clue was he has a 3 letter initial as he has two names. Hmmmm … (only one person came to mind), I tend to assume but this one is already confirmed (he did mention at one point he likes me; the word falling is not in his vocabulary). Kathy said its someone close to her, she found out coz they went home together and it was in the jeepney ride chikka session that this guy (must have been a slip of the tongue or something) inadvertently admitted that he likes me (what’s the deal, anyone could like anyone, aight?). She keep on asking me to guess … alright guess it is. I asked if its anyone in production she wouldn’t say anything … grrrr … is this human being from management, facilities, HR, training, production or what?!!!!!!! She just smiled and smiled. Damn!

So for my first guess, I asked her if its that guy over there (pointing over to D), she said we don’t walk home together …. hallllleeerr … so one down (he does have a 3 letter initial), I asked her is it Vic (who has a 3 letter initial too) she said … halllerrrr … Vic is no longer with the account. Oooopppsss …. my bad.

Another clue she mentioned is, this human’s salary grade is A4, which explains D’s B1 and Vic is still an agent like me. Now who has A4 salary grades? Uhmmm….let me narrow down the possibilities here. Quality Evalautors are A4 and so are people on the training side of the account. When I got it figured out, she smiled and denied … duh!!!! We were laughing the whole time I was there and she had to remind me that we were s’pose to look like were on a coaching session so we had to keep our voices down. But damn … everything that she said was just flattering and funny in an odd sort of way. Didn’t put meaning to everything this human being said to me all through these time … we’ve never been team mates and I can no longer recall why we ever became friends. But now … I can safely assume there was “hidden agenda” in everything that he’s said, he’s nice and all, a good friend I should say but am looking at him in a different light, I always do that after my assumptions are proven (hehehehe).

The funniest thing Kathy said, was when this guy said quote and quote ” if he likes her then I will give way”. So what now love triangle? Do I have a say in this matter?

On my way home as cabs were pretty rare these days good thing Alex offered to drive me home.

Our last day at school for this year and for our first subject where Mykers and Julius are my classmates we had a small christmas party though the exchanging gifts didnt push through as others were not bringing gifts but the food was good. It was good to be able to talk to Mykers and Julius about what just happened. People who knew me though not too well but still people I have common grounds with.

Talking was helpful I think, and I was quite surprised that I was still in control of the emotions welling up.  I was still able to smile and joke around, that is what I think to be the greatest part am good at. The masquerade, I can mask it carefully and perfectly some people often say my mom must be someone I “hate” as I don’t look or sound so affected. Damn! If they only knew.

Am in a cafe amongst the muggles typing, listening to music, talking to A trying to drown the loneliness that has been eating me like a vermin. I can’t help it, I must have grown delusional coz I keep thinking that am just in a long nightmare that when I wake up she’d still be there looking through the dvds deciding which movie to see next.

But then reality checks in and here I am left emptier and more alone than I was before. People pity me for what I’ve lost, for what will never be and though their intentions are good trying to cheer me up but they somehow end up saying the wrong words. Maybe coz they never fully understand what’s going on inside me emotionally and mentally. Am like an automaton … a walking, talking marionette, fueled to see through life day after day.

My class is still at two, dunno what to expect after all christmas is fast approaching and people are busy with the holiday rush, while I, I on the other hand just dont see any reason why christmas should be celebrated. Keep asking why it has to happen to me … me an only child, haven’t even met my father as he died two days after I was born, me who has no cousins no relatives only an uncle who somehow seem to have his own world. Me of all people.

 I don’t mean to question what He’s decisions are but in the present mental and emotional state am in, its hard not to.

 I dunno how or when I’ll recover or what I’ll do to extricate myself from these dark clouds cloaking me but for now though I laugh, I smile, I talk, I seem to be the normal me but deep inside am dying.

*sigh* as life didn’t stop when she left me, here I am picking up the pieces in attempts of moving on. I still don’t know what’s in store for me in the future seeing that am going through life alone. I’ve never felt so lonely as so left out, I know that people from work and my friends think that not much has changed, am still the same bubbly me and somehow seeing me like that gave them a sort of reassurance that am okay. The most tiring job of all time is masking your feelings, switching from this to that, just to assure not yourself but those people around you that things are gonna be okay.

In the silence of the night, when am alone with my thoughts and my fears I drop all masks and pretenses, the scared lil me comes out. Scared of what the future holds, scared of not knowing what to do, scared for all that was and for all that will never be.

People at work keep asking me when I’ll come back, it ticks me off to hear that question, I know its their job to ask but can’t they let me be even for once? To mask the question with words to show they care is just so phony.

Am going back to work … yes, like an automaton newly fueled. The masquerade has to continue, I’ve yet to have my dance.

Men See You As Choosy

Men notice you light years before you notice them You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky You aren’t looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter It may take men a while to ask you out, but it’s worth the wait

How Do Men See You?

Like this test, it really is true … no wonder am still single

The ceremony was done yesterday at the Chinese Cemetery where our forefathers dating back in the 1900’s lie, I , the daughter, didn’t shed a single tear. Am just done crying, am numb. I was the usual me … I laugh, I smile, I walk, I talk like an automaton. Kitoy, Bebang, Noel and Alex were there, Alex showed up at the church, the least person I expected showed up , so ironic when the very person I wanna see, I was hoping to see damn I should say praying to see, didn’t show up, can’t be there for reasons I don’t know and in the cloudy state of mind am in, it lead to the equation that he simply didn’t care.

I went to school today as if nothing happened, saw a colleague from work, she asked me how I am, I smiled … the usual bubbly me kinda smile. She must presume am okay, I am technically but seems like half of me is dead. I met up with Mik, A and bukie and we had lunch together, A said people from work were asking when am coming back, her response was, if she will come back.

She asked me the same question, and all I did was smile. Coz I myself don’t know if I should or I should not. The very reason why I work, the driving force in everything I do is gone and somehow everything is just not worth it anymore. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t only time will tell.

But as of now, I just don’t see any reason why I should.

We’re Here For You

The most overrated, overused phrase I’ve heard in the past few days. People asked me how am I, I keep responding, numb, they don’t seem to get it. Deep inside I wanna scream … wanna tell them, come back to me when someone dear to you dies and I’ll ask you the very same question then you tell me your answer.

How can people be so dense? Why can’t they just stop asking their futile questions? They’re not comforting in the slightest sense, just made the whole scenario comical. Someone said … hope you know that I’m here for you … yeah right … the very first person I texted, the very first person I wanna see, didn’t show up till 2 days later when am growing numb and almost nothing … none of the words they utter can reach the very core of my being. Am numb and am done crying.

Am here for you, *sheeeeeeessshh* cut the crap dude, not a single text the day after I informed him, when all I needed at the moment was him, his presence, his comforting words. But they were never there.

So much for care … my fault to actually invest emotions when there’s none on his part.

Am so alone and I feel so empty, as if life doesn’t have anything in store for me. She passed away morning of Sunday in her sleep. I wrote Saturday night that am scared she won’t be around when I wake up the next day. She never was … was even able to prepare a cup of milk for her midnight then I went back to sleep, when I woke up the next day at first glance I thought she was just sleeping but then she was cold and she was no longer breathing. No matter how loud I cry for her name, there was no response. She left me and I am alone.

It will come to pass that’s all they say, my uncle from mom’s side, friends who came to visit … they never saw the tears but damn am just so empty. Home doesn’t sound or feel like home anymore. I don’t see any reason why I should ever wake up, why I should continue to eat, when the future seem so bleak. I just lost my reason for living. I don’t have any sense of direction, I don’t know what will become of me and what life has to offer ahead. Everything just seem so dark, keep wishing she’d just take me as well. Rather than I continue living all miserable and these tears cant seem to stop falling.

I try to be strong in front of everyone else but when am alone with my thoughts and my fears I cant stop .. cant stop these sorrow that’s slowly eating me.

Arrived home from school, had a lot on my mind especially with the projects I have to make in order to pass the subjects am taking. With my Philo-Social Foundation class (first subject), the professors requirements are the following. A course reading, taking a book from the lists he has provided, a social critique and a lecture on a given topic. For the course reading, he has given as the following titles and authors.

Lao Te Ching by Lao Tzu

The Analects by Confucius

Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

Thus Spake Zarathustra by Nietszche

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell

Blink by Malcolm Gladwell

The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli

I have the Crime and Punishment and the Prince but  I never got to read them, seems like now is the right time to begin. For my major subjects, had a report earlier on the Kinds and Causes of Hearing Disorder and for my sign language class we had a whole new lesson and a bunch of songs to interpret. Whew!!! This is what I get for going back to school, don’t get me wrong am not complaining matter of fact I love it.

When I got home, found my mom sitting on my bed. She said she was sitting there for dunno how long. She went to the bathroom and stopped by my bed to sit down, now standing up is a problem. One of her major complains is her tummy and the heaviness of her body plus the constant coughing and the indescribable pain. She’s almost always incoherent and is almost always moaning in pain, a sound I’ve grown used to. I sat beside her and was glad she still recognized me, she was talking about mercy killing and that made me cry … I cant stop the tears from falling, I dunno what to say or what to do, I just sat there and cried.

She went on and on this has been on going since the last week, she kept on asking me that. Selfish as I am I cant let her go, I cant imagine what going home would be like without her, what life is like without her. My mind right now is just blank and the thinking about what the future holds me is just so bleak, kept telling her I’ll go with her too, there’s nothing for me here when she’s gone.

She’s dying, we both know it … everytime I leave for work I lingered for a while knowing that, that might be the last time I see her,  on the taxi ride when am alone with my thoughts I keep telling myself I am ready and that I can make it when the time comes that she’ll leave, that chances are when I come home from work she might no longer be around. I thought am ready and that am strong but damn …. Am not .

I go to work, with the usual me with nobody the wiser of the turmoil going on inside me, am about to lose the one person that matters to me and there’s nothing I can do about it. What would become of me when she’s gone?  Seeing her struggle to continue living for me has been my sole driving force in everything I do but now that she just gave up … now that she’s saying her goodbyes with me crying .. I just lost every bit of reason to continue.

She’s saying her goodbye … I dunno if she’ll be around still when I wake up tomorrow. I just wanna go with her.

Him and Her; so close yet so far. When reaching out is as difficult as letting go.

Went to the office earlier just so I can submit my IJP form for the In Team Trainer position for a different account, I had it signed by my boss, then my our OM, he was quite surprised to see me hand him my application and asked why In Team and not TLI and he asked me if am a hundred percent sure, I told him I didn’t apply for the other posts coz I didn’t like them. I want to be a trainer so I can put my 4 years of college nonchalant to use. Heheheh He smiled and signed it, off I went to Momi Lai’s station to have her sign it.

She explained the job to me and told me she won’t endorse me if after speaking with Ces, the job would only be what she thinks it is. I’d still be an agent, I’ll be starting from scratch actually learning all about the new account and they’ll just pull me out if the new trainer needs an assistant, there’s no increase in the salary and there’s not even an assurance that I’ll be a trainer in the long run. The account is not even shelling out money for a new PST Trainer, she said she won’t let me leave the account as an agent still to a different account.

That makes a whole lotta sense and yeah … must admit I’d rather stay with people am already comfortable with. Anyways there will still be other openings in the coming months, and what’s the hurry? Its not like am going anywhere.

Another day, the same shit (oppppsss…that’s shift); often times I get confused with the days and the dates especially with my sched, people are leaving some are resigning others are transferring over to different accounts but still the same company. There has been many postings for other job openings within the company still, didn’t apply for one coz am just not interested but then just earlier, they posted an opening for In Team Trainer for a new account and that caught my interest. If Keith is still around I know he’d tell me to apply, he has always been encouraging me to apply for the trainer position long before I got my license and long before my regularization in the company. So I asked my TL about it during our coaching session, and as always he’s supportive. Being a trainer himself he said he can give me tips on the do’s and don’ts of the job. Checking on the posting for the job, salary grade is still the same as my current job but it doesn’t matter, it’s the job that I want and it’d be a nice change if I get it. Encouraged a few team mates to apply as well but they didn’t like it coz of the no increase in salary. Hehehehe I don’t mind, it’s the new challenge, the new things am gonna learn, the new people am gonna meet if by God’s grace I’ll land the job. Hopefully my passion if not for whatever skill I have would get me there. JI did ask the few close friends I have on the floor and they all gave positive response.

I saw a good friend yesterday, a registered nurse whose working in a call center as well, after the usual chit chat I asked her what kind of illness is it when you puke what you eat. She said without hesitation that its bulimia, I said but with bulimia you binge eat then you force yourself to puke what you eat as guilt of having eaten that much arises. She said thats true, but with my case I don’t force myself to puke, they come naturally, no hassles whatsoever but they leave me empty and damn so tired after with watery eyes as if am crying.

Grrrr… my friend said it could be that I have problems with my spainters (what the hell is that?) and I need to see a general internist as soon as possible. She said if worst comes to worst I’d have to undergo surgery but if its not critical there are medicines to correct the damage.

Huhuhu am scared, didnt tell my mom; she has problems of her own and this is something I need to face on my own. I’ve always been scared of doctors, the agony of waiting for my turn, of the tests to be made, of being alone with my thoughts and my fears.

Damn!

**You Are A Romantic Realist***

You tend to be grounded when it comes to romance.
Sure, you can fall hard… but only for someone you’ve gotten to know.
And once you’re in love, you can be a total romantic goofball…
But you’d never admit it to your friends!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?
http://www.blogthings.com/areyouromanticorrealisticquiz/

Its 6:30 AM Monday … the start of the week for most people, my second day at work, and can’t wait for Saturday, for my classes. I love it and despite the many hassles I’ve gone through and the many hassles I’ve caused other people I have no regrets whatsoever. My major subjects are a blast, three lessons in one session and we’re learning sign language. I can now sign a bit and it requires lasting memory and practice.If I didn’t change subjects but just dropped the whole thing instead I’d surely regret it, I’ve wasted a year and a half of boring nonsense its high time I make use of my rest days in pursuit of higher learning. Hehehe … mom was glad when she saw me happy with my classes and that enthusiastic, miss school that much. Told her of my recent long term plans and though am fickle-minded am bound to keep this until something better comes along. Marriage is still not included in my long term plan though but then there’s always an exception to every rule. As part of my long term plan I’ll stay with the company for another 3 years and 5 months, whew!!! (can I keep that for real?) when I reach 5 years in the company I should be done with my masters and I should be at least Level 5 in the mandarin classes I plan to partake early next year. When those goals are accomplished only then would I hand my resignation to whoever my supervisor would be. As far as moving up, not interested … I’d be an agent forever, doesn’t matter if all other people move up … am concentrating on my goals and I intend to achieve them. Someone doesn’t want me to leave the company yet … a good reason enough to stay but I just came up with my plans to add to my reasons for staying.

Waiting for You by Showoff

When I see you smile It makes me smile too
I can’t believe how far away you really are
Did you ever think of anyone else
Did you ever think of yourself One wish I had I used on you

I’ll be right here waiting for you Waiting for you (2x) 
When I look in your eyes I see much more than you
I can’t believe how fucking strange you really are
I can’t think of anyone else I can barely think for myself
All that I know is that I love you 

I’ll be right here waiting for you Waiting for you (2x) 

I don’t wanna face the world without you (6x) 
I’ll be right here waiting for you Waiting for you (2x)

Discovered this song and this band from creepy one’s iPod and since then I can’t get it outta my head. Another last song syndrome moments.