My Pink Shoelace

Arrived home from school, had a lot on my mind especially with the projects I have to make in order to pass the subjects am taking. With my Philo-Social Foundation class (first subject), the professors requirements are the following. A course reading, taking a book from the lists he has provided, a social critique and a lecture on a given topic. For the course reading, he has given as the following titles and authors.

Lao Te Ching by Lao Tzu

The Analects by Confucius

Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

Thus Spake Zarathustra by Nietszche

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell

Blink by Malcolm Gladwell

The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli

I have the Crime and Punishment and the Prince but  I never got to read them, seems like now is the right time to begin. For my major subjects, had a report earlier on the Kinds and Causes of Hearing Disorder and for my sign language class we had a whole new lesson and a bunch of songs to interpret. Whew!!! This is what I get for going back to school, don’t get me wrong am not complaining matter of fact I love it.

When I got home, found my mom sitting on my bed. She said she was sitting there for dunno how long. She went to the bathroom and stopped by my bed to sit down, now standing up is a problem. One of her major complains is her tummy and the heaviness of her body plus the constant coughing and the indescribable pain. She’s almost always incoherent and is almost always moaning in pain, a sound I’ve grown used to. I sat beside her and was glad she still recognized me, she was talking about mercy killing and that made me cry … I cant stop the tears from falling, I dunno what to say or what to do, I just sat there and cried.

She went on and on this has been on going since the last week, she kept on asking me that. Selfish as I am I cant let her go, I cant imagine what going home would be like without her, what life is like without her. My mind right now is just blank and the thinking about what the future holds me is just so bleak, kept telling her I’ll go with her too, there’s nothing for me here when she’s gone.

She’s dying, we both know it … everytime I leave for work I lingered for a while knowing that, that might be the last time I see her,  on the taxi ride when am alone with my thoughts I keep telling myself I am ready and that I can make it when the time comes that she’ll leave, that chances are when I come home from work she might no longer be around. I thought am ready and that am strong but damn …. Am not .

I go to work, with the usual me with nobody the wiser of the turmoil going on inside me, am about to lose the one person that matters to me and there’s nothing I can do about it. What would become of me when she’s gone?  Seeing her struggle to continue living for me has been my sole driving force in everything I do but now that she just gave up … now that she’s saying her goodbyes with me crying .. I just lost every bit of reason to continue.

She’s saying her goodbye … I dunno if she’ll be around still when I wake up tomorrow. I just wanna go with her.