My Pink Shoelace

I went to the office last night around 11pm to see A as I have to give somethings and to check on the status of my LOA, if its paid or not. We talked a bit, I saw Eds too which reminds me that he still owe me a hundred bucks, I talked to Aisat, always busy as ever, to D who doesn’t know what the process is for my LOA and all that . *sigh* Was s’pose to go home when Kathy asked me to grab a chair and stay a bit while we make “chikka”, just so I’ll remain in the office she said … Weng, you gotta stay I have chikka … someone likes you in the account.

Intrigued (who wouldn’t be?) I asked, consumer, commercial or tr? She laughed and said none of the above. Waaaaaaaaaaa so I said, so service master? She laughed again. I said give me a clue, and so the clue was he has a 3 letter initial as he has two names. Hmmmm … (only one person came to mind), I tend to assume but this one is already confirmed (he did mention at one point he likes me; the word falling is not in his vocabulary). Kathy said its someone close to her, she found out coz they went home together and it was in the jeepney ride chikka session that this guy (must have been a slip of the tongue or something) inadvertently admitted that he likes me (what’s the deal, anyone could like anyone, aight?). She keep on asking me to guess … alright guess it is. I asked if its anyone in production she wouldn’t say anything … grrrr … is this human being from management, facilities, HR, training, production or what?!!!!!!! She just smiled and smiled. Damn!

So for my first guess, I asked her if its that guy over there (pointing over to D), she said we don’t walk home together …. hallllleeerr … so one down (he does have a 3 letter initial), I asked her is it Vic (who has a 3 letter initial too) she said … halllerrrr … Vic is no longer with the account. Oooopppsss …. my bad.

Another clue she mentioned is, this human’s salary grade is A4, which explains D’s B1 and Vic is still an agent like me. Now who has A4 salary grades? Uhmmm….let me narrow down the possibilities here. Quality Evalautors are A4 and so are people on the training side of the account. When I got it figured out, she smiled and denied … duh!!!! We were laughing the whole time I was there and she had to remind me that we were s’pose to look like were on a coaching session so we had to keep our voices down. But damn … everything that she said was just flattering and funny in an odd sort of way. Didn’t put meaning to everything this human being said to me all through these time … we’ve never been team mates and I can no longer recall why we ever became friends. But now … I can safely assume there was “hidden agenda” in everything that he’s said, he’s nice and all, a good friend I should say but am looking at him in a different light, I always do that after my assumptions are proven (hehehehe).

The funniest thing Kathy said, was when this guy said quote and quote ” if he likes her then I will give way”. So what now love triangle? Do I have a say in this matter?

On my way home as cabs were pretty rare these days good thing Alex offered to drive me home.

Our last day at school for this year and for our first subject where Mykers and Julius are my classmates we had a small christmas party though the exchanging gifts didnt push through as others were not bringing gifts but the food was good. It was good to be able to talk to Mykers and Julius about what just happened. People who knew me though not too well but still people I have common grounds with.

Talking was helpful I think, and I was quite surprised that I was still in control of the emotions welling up.  I was still able to smile and joke around, that is what I think to be the greatest part am good at. The masquerade, I can mask it carefully and perfectly some people often say my mom must be someone I “hate” as I don’t look or sound so affected. Damn! If they only knew.

Am in a cafe amongst the muggles typing, listening to music, talking to A trying to drown the loneliness that has been eating me like a vermin. I can’t help it, I must have grown delusional coz I keep thinking that am just in a long nightmare that when I wake up she’d still be there looking through the dvds deciding which movie to see next.

But then reality checks in and here I am left emptier and more alone than I was before. People pity me for what I’ve lost, for what will never be and though their intentions are good trying to cheer me up but they somehow end up saying the wrong words. Maybe coz they never fully understand what’s going on inside me emotionally and mentally. Am like an automaton … a walking, talking marionette, fueled to see through life day after day.

My class is still at two, dunno what to expect after all christmas is fast approaching and people are busy with the holiday rush, while I, I on the other hand just dont see any reason why christmas should be celebrated. Keep asking why it has to happen to me … me an only child, haven’t even met my father as he died two days after I was born, me who has no cousins no relatives only an uncle who somehow seem to have his own world. Me of all people.

 I don’t mean to question what He’s decisions are but in the present mental and emotional state am in, its hard not to.

 I dunno how or when I’ll recover or what I’ll do to extricate myself from these dark clouds cloaking me but for now though I laugh, I smile, I talk, I seem to be the normal me but deep inside am dying.