My Pink Shoelace

Our last day at school for this year and for our first subject where Mykers and Julius are my classmates we had a small christmas party though the exchanging gifts didnt push through as others were not bringing gifts but the food was good. It was good to be able to talk to Mykers and Julius about what just happened. People who knew me though not too well but still people I have common grounds with.

Talking was helpful I think, and I was quite surprised that I was still in control of the emotions welling up.  I was still able to smile and joke around, that is what I think to be the greatest part am good at. The masquerade, I can mask it carefully and perfectly some people often say my mom must be someone I “hate” as I don’t look or sound so affected. Damn! If they only knew.

Am in a cafe amongst the muggles typing, listening to music, talking to A trying to drown the loneliness that has been eating me like a vermin. I can’t help it, I must have grown delusional coz I keep thinking that am just in a long nightmare that when I wake up she’d still be there looking through the dvds deciding which movie to see next.

But then reality checks in and here I am left emptier and more alone than I was before. People pity me for what I’ve lost, for what will never be and though their intentions are good trying to cheer me up but they somehow end up saying the wrong words. Maybe coz they never fully understand what’s going on inside me emotionally and mentally. Am like an automaton … a walking, talking marionette, fueled to see through life day after day.

My class is still at two, dunno what to expect after all christmas is fast approaching and people are busy with the holiday rush, while I, I on the other hand just dont see any reason why christmas should be celebrated. Keep asking why it has to happen to me … me an only child, haven’t even met my father as he died two days after I was born, me who has no cousins no relatives only an uncle who somehow seem to have his own world. Me of all people.

 I don’t mean to question what He’s decisions are but in the present mental and emotional state am in, its hard not to.

 I dunno how or when I’ll recover or what I’ll do to extricate myself from these dark clouds cloaking me but for now though I laugh, I smile, I talk, I seem to be the normal me but deep inside am dying.