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… Jealousy it cuts like a knife.
Bebang and I had a girl to girl talk yesterday over lunch after our shift, we’re not close but she’s a good friend and someone I admire for her strength. Find it heart warming to know that am not the only one who is in need of happiness … that am not the only one who’s not in denial and who has acknowledged the fact that there’s that searing loneliness and emptiness (double jud!!!) haunting us. If only we can buy happiness we would have done anything possible to buy it … its such a hard commodity to come by for people like us that sometimes when I see it in others I get amazed that they have it and I dont.
Someone told me happiness is a state of mind, that if you want to be happy its all up to you, basically the same thing another colleague said. She’s been through this sort of depression stage and can fully relate to what am going through …. accdg. to her its only me who can help myself get over it. *sigh* easier said than done.
We’re the exact opposite, Bebang and I, she can talk about her feelings while I can’t. She has no qualms crying when needed in front of other people, don’t think I’ll ever do that. Tears, were a sign of weakness or so I’ve been told … so whenever I cry, I do it in private …. this seems to be on top of my activities lately *sigh*
Got hurt by what I found out earlier … though I know it’s illogical and I have no right to be feeling this way … but damn! I was hurt, I still am … and only one soul knows about it. She said don’t give up … give it time … how much time do I need to spare? When its plain to see that am the only one waiting for what will never be…
3 girlfriends would be on the lose come Feb … hopefully they’ll approve my leave. Someone used to ask … what exactly do you want? My answer was what I want … you cannot give.
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