My Pink Shoelace

Am agitated and am threading on a tight rope right now, its 3:57 AM am still up since yesterday afternoon trying to meet deadlines with my schedule running a bit lose on my side. School was or is fun I actually look forward to another round of pressure this summer but this, the agitation, the more than 24 hours of being awake scenario is getting a hold of me.

So am off Friday night thanks to my understanding TL I get to work on my papers, my portfolio, my reports due tomorrow. Was working on it when it hit me in the head, a reaction I got somewhere sometime ago from someone I never expected it to come from. Told him I’d be having my finals on Saturday whole day and I’ll be working Saturday night too. Uhmmm … all I got was you know there are really no calls on Saturday night … oh ok … I see then I should be great then.

Maybe I was expecting a lot from him, maybe I’ve fallen in places where I shouldn’t be, maybe I was hoping against hope that somewhere somehow things are gonna turn my way. A friend once said maybe I said something that set him off and someone else told me he’s tendency to hold back is gonna hurt me in ways he’ll never know … He was most nice and open and caring when I didn’t know what I want or what I need. Seems like he drew back off when he figured out am not what he thought I was, he has proven what I’ve said from the beginning and though a huge part of me prayed it won’t happen well it has and am at the losing end.

I was hoping he would be around when I needed him most, someone I feel understands me despite the odds but he never was.

Good as it was while it lasted having someone care for you even for a short time, for what it was worth was nice … to open up to someone, speak your mind and just talk on and on; but I wont let someone else get that close ever … I don’t want to be on the losing end again. Am tired of it.

I guess I ought to be thankful for all of these, for what he just said dunno if its just me being super sensitive and maybe he meant well, but as everything happens for a reason that triggered me to open up to the reality that things have changed what used be an apple in his sight must have turned rotten changing things making me accept that it was indeed awfully good to be damn near true. The hell to whoever reads this or how this gets interpreted but this is my way of exorcising my demons within and am positive he’ll drew back even deeper than he already has so maybe I should do the same.

Might regret ever writing this but this is how I feel at the moment, the result of more than 24 hours of being up and about and many more hours to come. Hopefully when Sunday comes so does rest and peace … for my heart and for my soul.