Mom’s First Death Anniversary
Went on half day at work. Dio and Boss Ger have been pretty understanding … must be bec. of the seriousness on my face when I approached them. A year ago mom passed away, a year ago I cried like a baby, a year ago I hurt and still am for her passing, a year ago I lost my balance, my purpose, my reason for living.
Momie Lai asked how I was, I said I dunno … she asked, are you coping? I said … am pretending to and I think am doing a very good job. Why bother the people around me with my pain? She said she’s glad am pretending coz at times it made it easier for others … but was it any easier for me? She didn’t ask.
Spent the entire afternoon at the cemetery performing the rituals required of my lineage. There I was a year after and I thought I’d be any better … I swore I’d be better and stronger … but it felt like I was back at square one. No sense of balance, no sense of purpose … like an automaton following the rigors of a hidden program.
RJ offered to accompany me, so she can visit mom too. I said maybe next time … but on this date, I prefer to dance to the music alone. My pain, my loneliness, my bitterness for taking her away they’re all mine … I don’t want her to see that, for like everyone else she hoped that am moving on … she might see behind the facade and am afraid I’d crumble then and there.
And just like a year ago … here I am crying for what I lost, for what was and for what will never be. What I would give just to her back … safe, healthy and happy.
