Mom’s First Death Anniversary
Went on half day at work. Dio and Boss Ger have been pretty understanding … must be bec. of the seriousness on my face when I approached them. A year ago mom passed away, a year ago I cried like a baby, a year ago I hurt and still am for her passing, a year ago I lost my balance, my purpose, my reason for living.
Momie Lai asked how I was, I said I dunno … she asked, are you coping? I said … am pretending to and I think am doing a very good job. Why bother the people around me with my pain? She said she’s glad am pretending coz at times it made it easier for others … but was it any easier for me? She didn’t ask.
Spent the entire afternoon at the cemetery performing the rituals required of my lineage. There I was a year after and I thought I’d be any better … I swore I’d be better and stronger … but it felt like I was back at square one. No sense of balance, no sense of purpose … like an automaton following the rigors of a hidden program.
RJ offered to accompany me, so she can visit mom too. I said maybe next time … but on this date, I prefer to dance to the music alone. My pain, my loneliness, my bitterness for taking her away they’re all mine … I don’t want her to see that, for like everyone else she hoped that am moving on … she might see behind the facade and am afraid I’d crumble then and there.
And just like a year ago … here I am crying for what I lost, for what was and for what will never be. What I would give just to her back … safe, healthy and happy.
hope God gives u strength in this life..
Comment by zhoe wynz — December 10, 2008 @ 12:37 pm
you are much stronger than you think you are. dont ever think that you’re alone coz your not. you have a lot of friends around. i’m one of them, actually me and my wife so that should be “we”. hehehe. We’re just a text away. Godbless you my friend.
Comment by randy — December 11, 2008 @ 12:56 am
you are much stronger than you think you are. ikaw pa! dont you ever feel alone, coz your not. you have a lot of friends around. i’m one of them, i mean “we” me, my wife and baby reese. hehehe… LOL!
Godbless!
Comment by randy — December 11, 2008 @ 2:02 am
thanks randz, for being around, for the wonderful experience in davao and for everything else
Comment by My Pink Shoelace — December 11, 2008 @ 9:01 am
You made me cry for you and for the pain we all feel when someone we love so dearly passes away. I don’t know if we ever get over it but we learn to live with it. Death is so final here and it hurts more than anything in the world for those left behind. You seem strong and your mom would be proud I think.
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Comment by heidi — December 12, 2008 @ 4:31 am