My Pink Shoelace

I thought am over it but one incident and I snapped … you know like one of those people who just got out of rehab for something to start anew only to snap and break at some point then the vicious cycle would begin all over again.

It started with a teeny weeny neglect on my part, during my last break I headed straight to my locker to get some pain reliever … my head has been hurting since 9AM, it hurt so bad I thought its gonna burst. Unfortunately there weren’t any in my med kit [I always have one with me] so I headed to the clinic where the nurse on duty ushered me to have a word with the doctor. I didn’t know that my file was rather thick what with all the accumulated med certs and when the doctor checked on my file she asked about my suppose to be admission last week. It was then when I told her that I didn’t go through it and explained my reasons.

She gave a whole lotta lecture … I told her I cannot admit myself to the hospital because I don’t have anyone to look out for me … to process the papers and run the errands. She mistook that as me being a transient here where my family is in the province or something and insisted that friends are always there.

I snapped and broke down when she said, she doesn’t want it to come to a point where the clinic has to call my family about my condition. I almost yelled at her and said there’s no one to call. Can’t you see? I said I am alone … a one man army. I could be hit by a car on my home or drop dead in the middle of the street and there’s no one to call.  She apologized but the damage was done and it dawned on me that though it’s close to two years am still not over it.

I was one hell of a mess when I got back to the floor … on the elevator ride I was composing reasons to explain my suddenly bloodshot eyes and to explain why I was way over break … Good thing there was VGH and I went home but I guess I still have some explaining to do to Te Kate … she saw my eyes and knows that something bad must have happened for me to cry like I did. *sigh* And here I thought am f^ck!n strong and well adjusted only to realize that I’d have to start rehab again and work on achieving emotional stability.

So much for being nonchalant and for the happy facade.