My Pink Shoelace

How do you distinguish one from the other? Can you be lonely without being depressed? or vice versa?

How long does it take for you to climb out of that dark hole?

From : Loneliness and Depression
There is a Reason for Loneliness and Depression
© Mark Zimmerman

“We mightn’t even be alone physically—we might be in constant contact with friends, workmates, family, and all sorts of people—but inside us is a space that none of these people can fulfill. This space, this deepest point, works on us by bringing confusion, pain, loneliness and depression, and it expresses itself as the most basic question we could ever ask: “What is the meaning of life?”

I am in constant contact with friends, workmates and all sorts of people but somehow they have not been able to fill this gnawing gap. Its like am on the inside just watching the scenes but were never really a part of any of it. It sucks and its draining the hell out of me, am doing all sorts of things imaginable squeezing every activity that I could think of just to run away from whatever it is that’s haunting me.

Took me a while to accept that am in constant battle with loneliness and depression, Bunny once told me its normal to feel this way after what I went through and that only me can pull myself up.  I hate to admit it … I wanted to keep the illusion that am happy and that am perfectly alright but I can’t. Talk to RJ earlier and just like those other times she can easily tell whats wrong, well everythings upside down … *sigh*

I need help … I’ve come to accept that if I don’t seek professional help my problems would get the best of me. Suicide that doesn’t run in this family but there’s always a first for everything.

Diva just got back from VL, he went to his father’s province and guess what he found there? … love and happiness … before he reported back to work we’ve chatted quite a few times and he’s told me of the new love of his life. I got the details earlier thru IM and when we ate after our shift at Jollibee. So Bena and I were like … ohhh thats so sweet, can’t help but envy what he has and I guess the same is true for Bena. We’re happy for him and its nice to know people are getting loved even if it has not happened to us yet.

Talked to lil gurl earlier right at the start of my shift it so happen I get to use the station next to hers and after what seemed like eons I finally get to talk to her. She’s plain glowing with love and happiness … after a failed and very disastrous relationship she’s back on track with her first love. Whew!! Guess first love never dies … lol!

I saw sparkle in her eyes and she was oozing with happiness though she looked tired what with school and work but still you just cant miss that glow.

~ February of 2007 ~

Mom : You’ve lost your bubbles and your smile doesn’t reach your eyes.

Me : The doctor said there’s nothing for us to do but wait.

Mom: I see. (there was a pause and she said) It wouldn’t be so bad, time would heal you up just fine. Dunno how long but someday somehow you’ll recover your bubbles.

~ December 2007 ~

She left and she took more than just bubbles away from me.

~ September 2008 ~

I look normal, I talk normal, heck I’ve mastered faking my bubbles and making sure my smiles would reach my eyes. Am good at it and people seem not to notice. But they’re gone and I don’t think I’ll ever recover them.

There are 5 persons I can talk when it comes to life decisions, my aunt, kathy, mitchy (who thinks am a brat and immature), d and daddy joe. Right now am wishing daddy joe’s online so I can talk to him. My ear has been hurting again since last week and I’ve been meaning to see an EENT but not with much luck, schedules were hectic. That toot when there’s a call is causing me a rather searing pain I don’t know if I can stand this any longer, the last time I had this problem the doctor told me up front that its either I quit or lose my hearing plain and simple.

But if I quit where will I go? Teach? the thought itself is already scaring me shitless and to be honest am equipped with the license and the masteral units but somethings holding me back. Am scared. I was told that 2 years in the same position for the same company is too much, too much familiarity, too much comfort and when things like these happen its time to pack up and hit the road.

Hit the road and head where?

Woke up to the feel of a wet face and the sound of heavy knocking on my door. My uncle got this worried look on his face seeing my face and hearing my cries. I was lost in a dream and in my dream I was crying like there’s no tomorrow, didn’t know I’d end up crying for real. So I woke up with an unfinished dream and with me crying. I’ve never had anything so real, so vivid that it scares the hell out of me. I was following her down the stairs and she told me with her back on me that I need to get married to be happy which I actively dispute, the next thing I remember was I was going up the stairs to some grotto crying, she was urging me on and next I know I was on what seemed like an impossible feat of climbing until I reached the grotto where there were lots of burning candles and with a few people praying. A woman approached me and lead me to a room where there was another woman waiting who asked me to sit down and tell me my troubles. In the dream I was crying like I dunno … the tears were nonstop…. It was at this point when I woke up and my face was soaking wet and I was crying still.

So I went to work with buggy eyes and made an issue with my boss who I know is concerned about whats wrong.

Sunday afternoon, went to the cemetery accompanied by Nang Bebot and her daughter, Jenny to visit mom. Its mother’s day … the first since she left and I can’t believe I’ll be counting them year per year. We brought flowers and all offered a small prayer, I was told that she’s settled wherever she is and not worried about me because she hasn’t manifested anywhere … no dreams for me about her and all that.

You taught me everything,
And everything you’ve given me, I’ll always keep it inside.
You’re the driving force in my life, yeah.
There isn’t anything or anyone that I can be,
And it just wouldn’t feel right,
If I didn’t have you by my side.
You were there for me to love and care for me,
When skies were grey.
Whenever I was down,
You were always there to comfort me.
And no one else can be what you have been to me,
You’ll always be,
You will always be the girl in my life for all times.

CHORUS:
Mama, Mama you know I love you,
(Oh, you know I love you),
Mama, Mama you’re the queen of my heart.
Your love is like tears from the stars.
Mama, I just want you to know,
Lovin’ you is like food to my soul.

You’re always down for me,
Have always been around for me,
Even when I was bad.
You showed me right from my wrong,
(Yes you did).
And you took up for me,
When everyone was downin’ me,
You always did understand,
You gave me strength to go on.
There was so many times,
Looking back when I was so afraid.
And then you come to me and say to me,
I can face anything.
And no one else can do,
What you have done for me.
You’ll always be,
You will always be the girl in my life.

REPEAT CHORUS.

Never gonna go a day without you.
Fills me up just thinking about you.
I’ll never go a day without my Mama.

REPEAT CHORUS.

This was the song during mom’s funeral and everytime I hear it I can’t help for the tears to fall, when this plays continuously on my playlist its my uncle’s cue that am crying again. Can’t help it. My classmates now who knew of what happened to her said its a good thing I’ve moved on. Right, because the bubbly me is always to the fore when am at school so I look like the happiest girl in the world. So ironic. If only they knew.

The thought just hit my head when I remembered him, he told me a year ago about this song that caught him crying as it played on the radio while he was driving. He sent it as a file to my email I never bothered to listen to it back then as it was a reminder of a cruel someone who’s got the same name as mine.

This song just came up to mind out of the blue, digged it up from You Tube and listened to it over and over. This goes out to all those fathers and mothers who did the unspeakable.

Am agitated and am threading on a tight rope right now, its 3:57 AM am still up since yesterday afternoon trying to meet deadlines with my schedule running a bit lose on my side. School was or is fun I actually look forward to another round of pressure this summer but this, the agitation, the more than 24 hours of being awake scenario is getting a hold of me.

So am off Friday night thanks to my understanding TL I get to work on my papers, my portfolio, my reports due tomorrow. Was working on it when it hit me in the head, a reaction I got somewhere sometime ago from someone I never expected it to come from. Told him I’d be having my finals on Saturday whole day and I’ll be working Saturday night too. Uhmmm … all I got was you know there are really no calls on Saturday night … oh ok … I see then I should be great then.

Maybe I was expecting a lot from him, maybe I’ve fallen in places where I shouldn’t be, maybe I was hoping against hope that somewhere somehow things are gonna turn my way. A friend once said maybe I said something that set him off and someone else told me he’s tendency to hold back is gonna hurt me in ways he’ll never know … He was most nice and open and caring when I didn’t know what I want or what I need. Seems like he drew back off when he figured out am not what he thought I was, he has proven what I’ve said from the beginning and though a huge part of me prayed it won’t happen well it has and am at the losing end.

I was hoping he would be around when I needed him most, someone I feel understands me despite the odds but he never was.

Good as it was while it lasted having someone care for you even for a short time, for what it was worth was nice … to open up to someone, speak your mind and just talk on and on; but I wont let someone else get that close ever … I don’t want to be on the losing end again. Am tired of it.

I guess I ought to be thankful for all of these, for what he just said dunno if its just me being super sensitive and maybe he meant well, but as everything happens for a reason that triggered me to open up to the reality that things have changed what used be an apple in his sight must have turned rotten changing things making me accept that it was indeed awfully good to be damn near true. The hell to whoever reads this or how this gets interpreted but this is my way of exorcising my demons within and am positive he’ll drew back even deeper than he already has so maybe I should do the same.

Might regret ever writing this but this is how I feel at the moment, the result of more than 24 hours of being up and about and many more hours to come. Hopefully when Sunday comes so does rest and peace … for my heart and for my soul.

Can no longer count the number of times I’ve shed tears today, I don’t usually pity myself but right now, am just at my lowest. People talking about their families hit me straight in the head, couple of times I thought I heard her voice calling me, or at the mall I saw her standing with her back facing me only to find out it was just someone almost similar to her. Went home late, made me realize I can stay out all night for all I care no one’s gonna look for me, I basically don’t have any reason to go home. When Mitchy asked if am gonna buy groceries inwardly I said I got no one to buy those groceries for.

I keep a happy facade at work, for the sake of those people who care, for them not to worry about me. But I can’t keep the facade 24/7, I crumble when no ones watching.

Am just waiting for that day, that blissful day, where she’ll realize am better off with her than here and then we’ll be together.

Its the 24th of Sunday, and after a month or so of waiting its finally here. We’ve planned this last January originally to Bohol but then due to the cost we opted for Malapascua. I know I’ve had so many disappointments in life thats why its a wonder this one still hurts, I guess all of them would always hurt.

Am disappointed …

first: coz seems like am the only one looking forward to this
second: coz of the bad weather and though we’ve decided on an alternative she doesn’t seem interested
third: because with the current emotional state am in … seems like everyone has deserted me and I got no one else to talk to.

I keep praying for mom to just … just take me away. Misery has been my sole companion lately and am afraid I’d crumble any minute.

Was shopping at one of the malls here when out of nowhere bukie had his hands on my shoulder, looked around and saw Wafa, they were doing their own share of shopping escapade. After a bit of chitchat we parted ways and I started browsing through the jazz pants to see if there’s anything I like. Was looking for a shirt with my headsets on as always when this song came on, never knew it was in my phone till now. I stopped in my tracks when the chorus came on and it was like *whew* if I have all the guts in the world I would have said those very lines and hopefully make him change his mind and we’ll live happily ever after but then … I am me and all am capable of is write what I feel and look at him from a far. *sigh*

I never wanted anything the way that I want you
But my words don’t seem to matter
My words don’t seem to matter

From Tested and True by Secondhand Serenade … the song playing on the background.

Didn’t have any sleep at all yesterday … after shift went straight home only to find myself spaced out for 4 hours, doing nothing but stare blankly at my notebook’s screen. Four hours of non productivity, this happens to me every now and then, it has been sorta frequent since mom passed away. My uncle knew what was going on since the song played during mom’s funeral kept on playing over and over. It was the only song on my playlist and I had it set to playback.

And I thought things like these don’t happen to people, that its purely controllable but damn, now that it happened to me .. am able to relate to those people experiencing a downhill pattern emotionally. When happiness is short lived and a single teeny weeny incident can interrupt it and start the depression pattern all over. Bunny used to say only I can help myself … guess thats true, am trying my damnedest and for a while I thought things are gonna be okay … I was happier and bubblier than usual and thought that’d last, that it’d be the start of my moving on.

But somehow things are not meant to be that easy for me, when I went to work yesterday there’s that deafening silence constantly accompanying me, was restless and just plain bothered. The only consolation I got was the solution to my dilemma pertaining to my summer class, Momie Lai said that I go plot my LOA as early as yesterday, anyways I can cancel it anytime … was glad that she’s allowing me to do it. Not only do I need to go to school … but I need to get away … from the floor , its people, … my emotions are constantly on a riot that at times I felt so choked…. I had to get away even if only for a while.

And hopefully when I come back … I wouldn’t be feeling this way … and seeing him,them, all of ‘em would no longer cause this turbulent rush of unknown emotions.

Why can’t I have what I want even just for once?

We talked for two hours, the creepy one and I,  I wrote it a month ago and a lot of things have changed since then. The emotions I felt for one day were gone, it was over the next day so sad that they have to read it now when I can barely remember the feeling. For what I wrote … I came out as the villain when am just an onlooker describing the riot of emotions I felt then and there.  But no matter, I’ve told him that things are different now … he will always be the brother am never blessed to have … and in a span of a month I’ve grown to trust bit by bit a few people.

Was talking to D last night and I thought things were okay that the slight change in the “weather” was just normal. Why didn’t he confront me bout what I’ve written? *sigh* I was at the mercy of what they thought about what I wrote and about me as a person. Creepy One said their first reaction was that I was plastic for not showing what I feel. *sigh*

Creepy one and I are okay … he will always be what he is to me now … was just saddened why D didn’t ask me about it. He was there when they read it, for all the change I know now what causes it.  If I had any inclination as to what just occurred when he said he was reading through my blog I would have gotten the idea. So so so sad … am at a loss.

The smile she’s perfected all through the years to hide away the pain and the loneliness. Looking at it who would have thought she’d be so broken.

I’ve been ranting on and on about the misery that’s eating me, I can’t help it I just can’t seem to stop. Am to work now, I’d still space out every now and then. I still cried every night before I go to sleep, I keep playing A Song For Mama over and over. I plainly haven’t moved on and though am going through the motions, I go to work, I do my own laundry now, I prepare my own food now but its like a pre programmed tasks a newly fueled automaton performs. People asked me how I am, God, if they could just stop. I know they mean well but they’re not helping at all. It’s the toughest question ever asked to me and I have no idea where to even being in answering it. Its like only those who really care can ask me that, but please don’t ask if its just for the sake of asking. Some ask what they can do the help, the answer is simple, nothing, they can’t bring back the dead. I’ve sunk deeper than I ever was in my own web of loneliness and misery and no one can seem to pull me out, damn I can’t even pull myself out. Friends used to say am strong, yeah so strong cause they’ve never seen me cry, they know I cried cause of my eyes and all that but actual tears falling from eyes, they haven’t seen that. They’ll never see that. *sigh* not only am I miserable for what I lost but being in the company of my good for nothing uncle is close to saying life for me right now is just plain hellish. He gets drunk when am not around, invites his drinking buddies home and who knows what else. Am miserable, am alone, am scared, am lost and I have no idea what to do about it.

Over at the other site, Wafa posted this … after waking up from a restless sleep reading what she’s written made me cry.  Here it goes …

 ” Wena has always appeared delicate and childish.  She giggles and laughs at the silliest things and like me, decision making is often painstaking.  I think we should both get a book on how to be decisive but then again we wouldn’t be able to decide which book it would be.  Behind the facade of merriment though is a deep sadness and pain that have just become more obvious to everyone recently.  What’s not so obvious is the amount of courage and strength she has.  The past few days made me realize that her fortitude is greater than most people.

I don’t like sad events and tear jerking moments so as much as possible I steer clear of that with her. I try to make her smile and laugh as much as I could if only for a moment.  I see no sense in talking about it since talking makes you remember and remembering hurts like hell.  I don’t talk to her about it and knowing her, she wouldn’t want any unsolicited probing.  So this is my way of letting her know that she’s one of the bravest persons I know. I’m proud of how she’s grown in a matter of days, proud of how she’s taking care of herself and that I’m always here even if I have dada.

Life has a way of bringing out the divine power of the human spirit so that we can carry on during times of great pain and loss.  It is that spine that we never thought we got.  Like a reservoir of untapped energy just waiting for the time when our regular everyday energy fails us.  At least we have time as our ally, time heals all wounds till it will no longer hurt.

Wena there are a number of us who care and love you, you won’t be alone ever!”

Someone asked me how I am … I didn’t know what to say. This is the very question which would procur so many emotions I can barely count and can barely name … to say am okay is a lie but I do say it for the heck of answering the question and to set the person asking at ease, am broken … I was unhappy before … now I know a part of me is dying.

I guess they’ll never understand, they havent lost the center of their universe, the same way I’ve lost mine.

I wanna be that girl, but the question is have I brighten anyone’s day? Or have I caused them misery?

Our last day at school for this year and for our first subject where Mykers and Julius are my classmates we had a small christmas party though the exchanging gifts didnt push through as others were not bringing gifts but the food was good. It was good to be able to talk to Mykers and Julius about what just happened. People who knew me though not too well but still people I have common grounds with.

Talking was helpful I think, and I was quite surprised that I was still in control of the emotions welling up.  I was still able to smile and joke around, that is what I think to be the greatest part am good at. The masquerade, I can mask it carefully and perfectly some people often say my mom must be someone I “hate” as I don’t look or sound so affected. Damn! If they only knew.

Am in a cafe amongst the muggles typing, listening to music, talking to A trying to drown the loneliness that has been eating me like a vermin. I can’t help it, I must have grown delusional coz I keep thinking that am just in a long nightmare that when I wake up she’d still be there looking through the dvds deciding which movie to see next.

But then reality checks in and here I am left emptier and more alone than I was before. People pity me for what I’ve lost, for what will never be and though their intentions are good trying to cheer me up but they somehow end up saying the wrong words. Maybe coz they never fully understand what’s going on inside me emotionally and mentally. Am like an automaton … a walking, talking marionette, fueled to see through life day after day.

My class is still at two, dunno what to expect after all christmas is fast approaching and people are busy with the holiday rush, while I, I on the other hand just dont see any reason why christmas should be celebrated. Keep asking why it has to happen to me … me an only child, haven’t even met my father as he died two days after I was born, me who has no cousins no relatives only an uncle who somehow seem to have his own world. Me of all people.

 I don’t mean to question what He’s decisions are but in the present mental and emotional state am in, its hard not to.

 I dunno how or when I’ll recover or what I’ll do to extricate myself from these dark clouds cloaking me but for now though I laugh, I smile, I talk, I seem to be the normal me but deep inside am dying.

*sigh* as life didn’t stop when she left me, here I am picking up the pieces in attempts of moving on. I still don’t know what’s in store for me in the future seeing that am going through life alone. I’ve never felt so lonely as so left out, I know that people from work and my friends think that not much has changed, am still the same bubbly me and somehow seeing me like that gave them a sort of reassurance that am okay. The most tiring job of all time is masking your feelings, switching from this to that, just to assure not yourself but those people around you that things are gonna be okay.

In the silence of the night, when am alone with my thoughts and my fears I drop all masks and pretenses, the scared lil me comes out. Scared of what the future holds, scared of not knowing what to do, scared for all that was and for all that will never be.

People at work keep asking me when I’ll come back, it ticks me off to hear that question, I know its their job to ask but can’t they let me be even for once? To mask the question with words to show they care is just so phony.

Am going back to work … yes, like an automaton newly fueled. The masquerade has to continue, I’ve yet to have my dance.

Am so alone and I feel so empty, as if life doesn’t have anything in store for me. She passed away morning of Sunday in her sleep. I wrote Saturday night that am scared she won’t be around when I wake up the next day. She never was … was even able to prepare a cup of milk for her midnight then I went back to sleep, when I woke up the next day at first glance I thought she was just sleeping but then she was cold and she was no longer breathing. No matter how loud I cry for her name, there was no response. She left me and I am alone.

It will come to pass that’s all they say, my uncle from mom’s side, friends who came to visit … they never saw the tears but damn am just so empty. Home doesn’t sound or feel like home anymore. I don’t see any reason why I should ever wake up, why I should continue to eat, when the future seem so bleak. I just lost my reason for living. I don’t have any sense of direction, I don’t know what will become of me and what life has to offer ahead. Everything just seem so dark, keep wishing she’d just take me as well. Rather than I continue living all miserable and these tears cant seem to stop falling.

I try to be strong in front of everyone else but when am alone with my thoughts and my fears I cant stop .. cant stop these sorrow that’s slowly eating me.

Arrived home from school, had a lot on my mind especially with the projects I have to make in order to pass the subjects am taking. With my Philo-Social Foundation class (first subject), the professors requirements are the following. A course reading, taking a book from the lists he has provided, a social critique and a lecture on a given topic. For the course reading, he has given as the following titles and authors.

Lao Te Ching by Lao Tzu

The Analects by Confucius

Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

Thus Spake Zarathustra by Nietszche

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell

Blink by Malcolm Gladwell

The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli

I have the Crime and Punishment and the Prince but  I never got to read them, seems like now is the right time to begin. For my major subjects, had a report earlier on the Kinds and Causes of Hearing Disorder and for my sign language class we had a whole new lesson and a bunch of songs to interpret. Whew!!! This is what I get for going back to school, don’t get me wrong am not complaining matter of fact I love it.

When I got home, found my mom sitting on my bed. She said she was sitting there for dunno how long. She went to the bathroom and stopped by my bed to sit down, now standing up is a problem. One of her major complains is her tummy and the heaviness of her body plus the constant coughing and the indescribable pain. She’s almost always incoherent and is almost always moaning in pain, a sound I’ve grown used to. I sat beside her and was glad she still recognized me, she was talking about mercy killing and that made me cry … I cant stop the tears from falling, I dunno what to say or what to do, I just sat there and cried.

She went on and on this has been on going since the last week, she kept on asking me that. Selfish as I am I cant let her go, I cant imagine what going home would be like without her, what life is like without her. My mind right now is just blank and the thinking about what the future holds me is just so bleak, kept telling her I’ll go with her too, there’s nothing for me here when she’s gone.

She’s dying, we both know it … everytime I leave for work I lingered for a while knowing that, that might be the last time I see her,  on the taxi ride when am alone with my thoughts I keep telling myself I am ready and that I can make it when the time comes that she’ll leave, that chances are when I come home from work she might no longer be around. I thought am ready and that am strong but damn …. Am not .

I go to work, with the usual me with nobody the wiser of the turmoil going on inside me, am about to lose the one person that matters to me and there’s nothing I can do about it. What would become of me when she’s gone?  Seeing her struggle to continue living for me has been my sole driving force in everything I do but now that she just gave up … now that she’s saying her goodbyes with me crying .. I just lost every bit of reason to continue.

She’s saying her goodbye … I dunno if she’ll be around still when I wake up tomorrow. I just wanna go with her.

Him and Her; so close yet so far. When reaching out is as difficult as letting go.

‘Twas raining hard accompanied by strong gust of wind, it was around 1 in the afternoon and I need to go out of the house and buy grapes for my mom. So I went out armed with my umbrella … now on the way home with my small grocery bag and waiting for a cab or a jeepney which was hopeless. Every cab or jeepney that pass by is full so I decided to walk all the way home after all what are these feet for. Coz of the strong wind I was forced to throw my umbrella, it was useless and it got damaged. My plight caused me to smile while walking and the old lady I came across asked me in an annoyed tone why am smiling and what’s there to smile about when the weather is hellish. I said am smiling coz its raining, told her I love the rain.

Am bound to get sick eventually to say I was wet is an understatement, I was soaking wet. Heheheh my phone was wet yet miraculously it still played nonstop, mom was pissed coz not only am I gonna get sick but my bills are wet too … heheheh …

She said, you really are twisted … weird things tend to make you smile. Nyahahahah … not weird things ma, simple things, things people somehow took for granted is what make me happy. If I had my way I would have played patintero and run wild along the sidewalk outside our place. But then that’d mean our neighbors talking bout me losing my mind. Heheheh

Don’t care if I get sick, I already am what with yesterday’s sport fest under the rain. Though I didn’t participate in the activities but I still got wet.